Misplaced Brain And Other Things

Would you believe it? I actually forgot about this blog, and therefore forgot to update it. Well, I'm back now, and more hijinks and hilarity will ensue. Otherwise just humour me, for God's sake.

During the time I was away from this blog, I've been doing a lot. I've been composing music, and most importantly, I've started writing a novel. Yes, I've decided to hop on the bandwagon, but I won't be writing an exoticised pre-war tale about a Chinese family who owns a silk factory and whatnot. No, I'm taking a different route. And my book will not have a fancy title like "The Fish Jumping Up And Down In The Lake Behind The Harmonious Factory Making Cloth Every Evening Until It's The Whole Day."

My book is due to be completed in January 2006. So far, I've been very productive and disciplined, and I write at least 5,000 words a day. It's been three weeks now, and I am at five paragraphs and 400 words. Right on schedule.

Please buy my book when it comes out.

Supercool Awesome Kickass Movies Of 2009

Don't you just love contemporary adjectives, euphemisms and idioms? Anyway, here's my Best Of list:

Transformers 2: Revenge Of The Fallen

I'm a sucker for electrical devices, right. And I especially love toroidal transformers, which are featured a lot in this movie. It is always exciting to see electrical energy being transferred from one circuit to another. I could sit and watch the process all day, especially when it involves inductively coupled conductors. It was clever of the filmmakers to use this symbol as the central mystery in the story:

Anyone with sufficient knowledge of electronics would know that this is the formula for an ideal transformer. If you love this movie as much as I, visit the official website.

Dragonball Evolution

I love it when white actors play Asian characters. In this movie in particular, it was so convincing! I couldn't believe that that wasn't Chow Yun-fat but a Caucasian actor who looks and acts just like him. Reminds me why I love Charlie Chan, Ming The Merciless and Fu Manchu. Credit must be given to the filmmakers for at least using a token Asian actor in a white character role. Justin Chatwin, who might be Asia's greatest actor today, does well as Goku.

Watchmen

Isn't it wonderful that here's a movie that is as revolutionary and visionary as The Matrix, but also goes one up on that movie as well? Sure, people say director Zack Snyder copies the Wachowskis's slow-motion action sequences, but no one realises that Snyder is so visionary that he has done something even more revolutionary with slow-motion - he has used it to successfully stretch the movie to 12 hours! But Snyder's greatest skill is in copying every frame of a comicbook and not adding anything. People may say that's lazy, but I think it's economical.

Avatar

Wow wow wee! This is indeed the future of movies! Almost three-quarters of Avatar feature no living, breathing human beings! It's unbelievable that it's all CGI. You might not believe it, but even the alien loincloths are CGI! This really is a good thing, because who needs wooden actors like Keanu Reeves, Nicolas Cage and Al Gore working in Hollywood today?

2012

Finally, a movie that has more explosions and destruction than THREE Michael Bay movies! That alone makes 2012 one of the year's superbest. I especially love the fact that it's disguised as a disaster movie when it really is about how ingenious the ancient people such as the Mayans are in predicting that a movie would be made in 2009 about 2012 and how ingenious the ancient people such as the Mayans are in predicting that a movie would be made in 2009 about 2012 and how ingenious the ancient people such as the Mayans are in predicting that a movie would be made in 2009 about 2012 and ...

New Moon

Who can resist a movie about bare buttocks, eh? There has never been a movie about the juvenile, ritualistic practice of flashing one's buns at the general public ... until now. If you haven't seen this exciting movie, then you've really been left behind.

My Brush With Lazarus's Time-Space Continuum And A Booger

Super-architect and former Pharaoh, Lazarus Auyong, has a day missing from his life. He doesn't know what happened to it, doesn't have any idea what went on in the world on that day, and is pretty much resigned to the fact that on that one day, he just simply did not exist on Earth.

That day was December 10, 2001.

Lazarus is unwaveringly convinced that he was in a time machine that catapulted him a day forward into December 11, thus depriving him of the experience of an entire day.

You see, he had flown to Toronto, Canada, on December 5, and after five freezing days in the North American winter getting his testicular follicles frostbitten, he got on a plane on December 9 and duly fell asleep for 14 hours before spending another 10 hours playing in-flight games and watching in-flight movies and consuming in-flight food and depositing in-flight waste.

When they landed after 24 hours, it was December 11.

Of course, he had a Groundhog Day moment when he first landed in Canada, because he ended up in the same day as he had left.


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On another note, the CD player on my computer coughed and wheezed its final breath yesterday, in the middle of a great tune from my self-compiled Awesome Mix CD of Favourite Techno-Polka Hits.

I couldn't understand why it happened. I only remember I had an itch in my nose right before the curious incident of the CD player in the nighttime. An itch that was a real bitch. A major bitch of an itch.

Confounded and dumbfounded, I subsequently lugged the damn thing to the Honeydew & Mango Fandango Computer Hardware Store the next day, to be waxed, manicured, pedicured and permed back to working-order perfection.

When the good deed was done, the technician looked at me funny. I immediately glanced at myself, afraid that I had once more stepped out of my house absentmindedly in my pajamas.

But heck no. The technician then said, "Sir, were you picking your nose while using your computer?"

Well, I thought, what kind of a stupid-ass question is that? And an obtrusive one too! A man could very well do whatever he pleases while using his computer without fear of prosecution or interrogation by a computer technician. Hello? I could be wiping my posterior, cleaning my ingrown toenail, or my dog could be humping my leg, for all I care.

And how the hell did he know I was digging my nose? Because, well, I did.

"Sir, your CD player stopped working because the booger that was stuck on your CD fell off while the CD was spinning, and landed on the laser reader."

Oh my.

Jolie Is Not Hot

An old blog post from the days of yore.

For the last time, SHE LOOKS LIKE A FREAK!

Here's the proof:


A fish.



Angelina Jolie.

Concert Complaint

Dear Honorable Concert Organiser,

I was one of the attendees of your recent concert, dubbed the concert of the year, by none other than your goodself. That was a great marketing ploy, I must say. I wouldn't have, in a thousand years, thought of such a claim to boost the profile of an upcoming concert and get people to froth at the mouth inexplicably while wasting hours of their lives queueing for tickets.

But this isn't my complaint today. I must admit, it was indeed a very good concert, albeit not one I would call "of the year." The artiste sang very well, played his instrument very well, and danced extremely well too. My friend Lazarus Auyong tried to emulate the artiste's moves, but in his grand excitement, knocked the wind out of several people nearby, and almost got himself killed by a group of schoolgirls. Well, I thought they were schoolgirls at first, until I realised they were just a bunch of male otaku dressed up as some anime schoolgirl characters. Now, whoever heard of such a thing, right?

But that isn't my complaint today. Despite Lazarus's lousy antics that could have landed us in some serious trouble, I actually made some good new friends at the concert. One of them was a guy named George, who sported an 80s mullet, and kept talking about how great Nik Kershaw is and how the Human Racing album completely changed his life. I was able to see beyond his awful mullet and recognise a wonderful human being who took the trouble, for the sake of the rest of the human race, to decipher the meaning of the nonsensical 80s song, The Riddle.

But again, this has nothing to do with my complaint. My complaint is simply this:

Now, I especially hate it when an artiste, in the middle of a performance, suddenly says into the mic: "Now, let me hear you sing it!" and points the mic at the audience. All artistes should realise that we, the audience, give our hard-earned money to them to watch them perform and hear them sing. We don't go to concerts to hear the audience sing, nor sing the songs ourselves. We can go to any ATV KTV Karaoke joint for that.

A concert is not a karaoke session, OK? Now, at the concert last night, the artiste did that many, many times. I would say, it took up almost 80% of the concert time. So, what I want from you, Dear Concert Organiser, is this:

Since I was made to sing the songs for almost 80% of the concert, I would like to claim 80% of what you paid the artiste, simply because the way things went, I did 80% of the work for him. Fair is fair, right?

I decided to write to you first, in the hopes that you will give me a favourable reply. Otherwise, I would engage a legal representative to assist me in sorting out this little problem, and that would be quite messy, don't you think?

So, how about it? Anticipating your positive reply.

Yours sincerely,

Allan

The Restaurant At The End Of The Multiverse

Once, my friend and restauranteur, Gibson Gordon Lothario Vong, otherwise known abbreviatedly as GiGoLo Vong, ran into some trouble at his now famous outlet, famous not only for its Bombay Duck, prepared to evoke salivation of nuclear proportion, but also for its anaconda-size moniker: East Of The Sun, West Of The Moon.

Don't ask how they managed to fit all that into the neon signboard. That signmaker must be a superhero.

Anyway, one night, when the restaurant was quite full, Gibson, who was in the kitchen attending to some business related to an underestimated order of fresh Mexican garlic, a matter somehow connected to the almost fatal argument between the sous-chef and the short-order cook (yes, an unusual combination!), heard some commotion on the floor, and decided to inspect the outbursts himself.

A customer was kicking up a fuss about something, and from experience, Gibson knew that the arms-akimbo posture was never a good sign.

He approached the table and politely enquired about the trouble.

"Sir, there is a lizard in my soup!"

Gibson could probably have been the greatest poker player in the universe, had he not decided to become an entrepreneur instead, a decision spurred on by his discovery of the James Hillman book, The Soul's Code, after which Gibson became fully convinced, with mule-level obstinance, that the day he cut his hand on a card, playing poker while having Pacific West tempura fish with a cup of Heintz country mushroom soup, was a sure sign of his true vocation.

So, here he was, on that fateful night, facing an earth-shattering, career-sodomising crisis, with nary a frown, nor a fright, on his chiselled features.

"Well, sir, what exactly is the nature of your complaint?"

"What?! There ... is ... a ... LIZARD ... in my soup!"

"Yes, sir, I certainly can see that."

"And ... ?"

At this point, Gibson picked up the dripping lizard between forefinger and thumb - and popped it right into his mouth.

And chewed.

He swallowed, hard. "Well, sir, it does seem a little undercooked. May we offer a replacement?"

Stunned and speechless. Not a word.

"I shall take that as a no, then."

And Gibson walked away.

But of course, later that night, heads rolled.

Tiger, Tiger, Getting Dim

This has been a Tiger Woods week. One of my friends thinks he's always been a rather bland and uninteresting sports figure. Boring even. Until now, that is.

I posted a question on Facebook: Taking two figures from this year's biggest controversies, put them in a cage, straight fight, last man standing, who would win? Woods or Polanski?

A couple of people thought Woods would win. One guy thought otherwise. "His wife beat him up, what."

And funniest joke of the week? Q: What is Tiger Woods's new name? A: Cheetah Woods.

Lastly, here's another conversation with my online friend Rohan:

Rohan: Tiger is in a pretty big hole.

Me: He already got all the strokes he wanted.