Malfunctioning Function

Dear Sir/Madam,

I have been a firm supporter of your products for many years, and have always recommended them to my friends. However, after my last purchase, I came away terribly disappointed for the first time in such a long period of loyalty to your company.

I made the crucial decision of buying this product based on its rather unusual design and very interesting features. I have never seen one with more than four buttons, and certainly not one with a red glass top. Despite any reservations I might have had, I was immediately sold once I had read what the product promised to do.

However, once I got home, took the item out of its box, and plugged it in, it went back on its promises like a good politician. I applied the hand-held accessory to the correct part of my anatomy as instructed, but did not feel a thing. The desired effect of mental and physical proportions combined did not appear at all.

I returned to the store immediately, after I had soaped myself down after use, also as instructed. The salesgirl refused to entertain my complaints, and the manager reacted in a similar manner, citing my impotent physicality as the reason, which left me with no choice but to write this letter of complaint.

I must say, I am sorely disappointed with your company and your service. At this juncture, I am compelled to remind you and your staff that THE CUSTOMER IS ALWAYS RIGHT.

Thank you and good afternoon.

PS. Included is the serial number of the product for your reference.


Your truly,
A.K.



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Dear Sir,

Your complaint has been duly noted and filed in the very large cabinet behind the General Manager's office in which most complaints are kept for an indeterminate period.

We regret that your purchase has not met with satisfaction. We also regret to inform you that the particular item you purchased was of a batch that came off a faulty production line.

However, we are happy to inform you that we have a replacement policy for all malfunctioning products. All you have to do is:

1. Come to our headquarters here in the most remote and inaccessible part of the highlands of Pahang.

2. Fill in forms number 23, 54, 68, 132, and 11A.

3. Participate in an interview with members of our customer satisfaction committee.

4. Participate in another interview with our quality control team.

5. Submit to a thorough medical examination by our in-house medical experts to determine that your physical health is not a factor in your dissatisfaction with our product.

6. Fill in forms number 34B, 55C, 78G, and 234II-A.

7. Attend a one-hour session with our in-house psychologist for an assessment of your mental well-being.

8. Go for an identification line-up, where you will be required to point out the offending product out of a line-up of 10 products.

We look forward to your visit. As always, we will do our very best to live up to our company motto: IF IT'S FAULTY, IT'S NOT US.

Thank you.


Regards,
Customer Service Support